triumphantlife

My top 5 favorite personalities

2012-02-05T06:25:00.000-08:00

There are millions of amazing people in this world. I picked just a few people who keep my passion affixed. They are the ones I admire so much.

Here are the top 5 people who keep me inspired:

(5)Jeannie Mai (born January 4, 1980) is an American makeup artist, fashion expert, actress, and TV personality. She is most known for her work as the host of Style Network's "How Do I Look?", and USA's "Character Fantasy".As a fashion expert, she is frequently featured on numerous television programs such as NBC's Today Show on the "Fashion Tips Today" segment, Extra TV, and E!'s The Daily 10.

(4) Mario Michael Lopez, Jr. (born October 10, 1973)[1] is an American television host and actor who has appeared on several television series, in films, and on Broadway. He is best known for his portrayal of the character A.C. Slater on Saved By The Bell, which he also portrayed as a regular on Saved by the Bell: The College Years. He has appeared in numerous projects since, including the third season of Dancing with the Stars and as a celebrity guest host for the syndicated entertainment news magazine show Extra. He currently hosts America's Best Dance Crew for MTV.

(3) Faith cruz Martinez (born January 19) Trainer at west. She’s one of the reasons why I would want to be a trainer. She’s full of optimism. Her personality can rock anybody’s world. You’ll never get bored with her. She’s a girl blessed of sense of humor. She’s smart. After all, smart is the new sexy. If I would want to marry a girl it should be like her.

(2)Emily Jean "Emma" Stone (born November 6, 1988) is an American actress.
Stone was a cast member of the TV series Drive, and made her feature film debut in the comedy Superbad (2007). She appeared in The House Bunny (2008) and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (2009). She then starred in the horror-comedy Zombieland and the indie comedy Paper Man in 2009. In 2010, Stone voiced the character Mazie in Marmaduke, and starred in the high school comedy Easy A, which earned her a nomination for a Golden Globe for Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy. In 2011, she featured in the films Crazy, Stupid, Love. and The Help, which received critical acclaim and were commercial successes. Stone will play Gwen Stacy in the Amazing Spider-Man film, a reboot of the Spider-Man film franchise.

(1) Mohan Gumatay or commonly known as Mo Twister, is a radio disc jockey and television host in the Philippines. He is best known for his Good Times programs, which started as a Radio Show and spun off into TV and Internet.

Hopeless Place

2012-01-28T06:40:00.000-08:00

I’m like a dead fish going with the flow. I could say that I’m not in a good place, different places I might say. A place where I don’t want to be, where my mind is restricted, where I can’t breathe, where I feel suffocated, where I find myself alone, where I’m battling alone. I can’t continue being in this place but I have to. What else is there? I don’t have any option. When I leave I see disappointments. I see depression. I see regret. I see an empty pocket. I see limitations. No one ever warned me how cruel life could be. I just jumped in a battle unarmed, clueless. This isn’t the life that I’ve planned for myself but sometimes we’re doomed to be in a place that we have never chosen for ourselves because we consider not only ourselves but also others. I never wanted this. I can easily adapt to my surroundings. No, I’m not blaming them. I’m blaming myself for being an easy target to influence. I want to be in a place where my family’s not only happy but also proud of me. I want to be in a place where happiness is not a struggle. When will that be? Should I still stay in this hopeless place? Or should I leave with consequences?

Be The Moth or The Flame?

2011-12-15T04:13:00.000-08:00

As kids we used to play with fire, the thrill that we get whenever our finger came across the lit candles. How he idea something that could hurt us still give us the feeling of doing it again. It doesn’t make any difference with grown people. The excitement is still there. We just got older. Like fire, love is a dangerous thing to play with. At first, we are pleased with its thrill. We are amazed of something beautiful that can cause us harm. We cannot keep our eyes off of it. We just want to grasp it and feel its warmth. But in anything that is beautiful there’s something that will burn you to ashes.
With this fire burning up, will you be the moth or the flame? How will you let love in? When you are playing safe with its fire? Will you always be the flame enticing innocent moths and just watched them burn to ashes as you engulf them with your flame. We should quit playing with fire when we want to feel the real warmth of something beautiful like love. It is a given fact that love isn’t love unless you feel the pain. That is what true love means. Going the distance and facing the obstacles even though sooner or later we will get hurt. But trust me, even though it pains one so much, you get to realize the happy feeling of being able to risk it all and loving with no regrets. It is flattering know that in two sides of the love story, you are the one who did not play with the fire of love. They say love hurts, love sucks or whatever, but it is not love which is doing the hurting and the pain. It is the other feelings we are mistaken that resulted with the tears and suffering.
It is how you love that defines who you are. That is what I have learned. One can either be the flame on that lit candle or the moth circling around the flame for its warmth. It’s taking that risk of seeing someone loving your flame but not engulfing them to ashes. It is being brave in circling the flame and being ready to get burn. We don’t have to play with the fire all we have to do is test the warmth of the fire. As long as you are true to your heart and responsible enough, the excitement of love is endless. It is us, who will have to make something special with one worth it, for someone to deserve it and for ourselves also.
At the end of the day, we are all going to be burn into ashes. There should always be the one in tears and the other one happy. We are all enamoured by the flame of love, grasping for its warmth with the hope of feeling the beauty it brings. Admit it, eventhough we tell ourselves to no longer love and throw away love, we are still enticed to give it all again for love. Like kids playing with new toys, adults are thrilled of a new beginning. We are no longer kids playing and throwing it away, we are adults risking it all and being brave for what’s in store for us. For whatever its worth it pays to follow what we think we deserve.

2011-03-10T23:49:00.001-08:00

The curtain is dancing as the wind tries to play hide in seek with it. My left eye is half-opened as the sun trying to penetrate the curtain and lighting half of my face. The feeling is so light. I can feel how soft the pillow and bed touching my skin. I can smell the earthy scent of the moisture leaves."It just drizzled" I whisper to myself. The morning seems perfect. As I turn to the other side of the bed I see you staring at me, seating at the edge of the bed, hands intertwined, eyes are vigilant. I can sense that you're about to say something. I rise from the bed and kiss your lips but you didn't reciprocate. I could see the tentative smirk on your face. I finally utter "Is there any problem?" You stoop down your head. "Hey! C'mon talk to me!" I instinctively know what are you gonna say. My eyes become blurry as the tears hover on it. You try to give a compensating hug but I push you. My tears finally fall down on my cheek. The hate and resentment integrate together. "I knew it!" I howl. You wait until my mourn turns into sobbing. I asked "When this happened?" You take a deep breath before the words finally come out "Yesterday, I didn't mean to...it just happened.. Please forgive me...” I interrupt your speech "You did it during our anniversary?"I asked. "I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have done it with him, but you're too busy with stuff." Your irrational speech continues. "You know that I had to work." My hands are cold and I feel that my heart crumble slowly to the floor. "I really love you and I really regret of what I did." You drawl.

The Key To The Kingdom Of Love

2011-03-08T03:32:00.000-08:00

In this realm of love uncertainty is predestined. Sometimes it eludes us. Minds are full of questions, fear, and dismay. We cannot completely possess the kingdom of love without sacrifice. Sacrifice is the key to this kingdom. That’s why a lot of frightened people haven’t experienced entering the magical place. Honestly I haven’t as well. Not entirely. I used the back door of the kingdom as a detour for my escape. That’s why I wasn’t able to fully experience the wonderful place. It isn’t that easy to sacrifice especially if you’re talking about time, reliance, and love. There’s no turning back. You cannot surrender back the key and tell the key holder to stop this fancy dream. You cannot use the backdoor as well because you might end up like me, blaming myself for being spineless. A peek at the kingdom is one of the stupidest things you’ll do. You know that you can have it all but you’re just afraid. You’re afraid that you wouldn’t be able to manage it well, afraid that you might break something inside of it, or afraid that you might accidentally burn it. Because believe me. You can never have that back once it has been destroyed. I really admire courageous people who aren’t afraid to get the key for its door and bravely own the bliss of its magnificence.

Please Go home

2011-03-01T09:30:00.000-08:00

It’s getting too late my friend. Don’t you think it’s time for you to go?

I had enough. Don’t you think the pain was enough?

Yes, it’s time for us to say “Goodbye”.

Our memories and pictures are clinging in my head. Don’t you think that this is the right time to burn those all?

Please, stop saying please. I can’t entertain you anymore. Can’t you see? I’m trying to clean the stain you made on the table.

What’s this? You even spilled on my couch!

You’re telling me to stay calm? Tell me! How can I wash the stain out?

I’m also closing our book because I’m done and got fed up reading it over and over. Aren’t you tired?

Please go home.

We’re done with this page. I don’t want to reread this.

Yes, I learned enough. That’s why I’m telling you to go home.

Yes, I’m mad my friend. And I bet you wouldn’t want to know why.

Please go home. I’m done talking.

Yes, for the second time this is “Goodbye”. But mind you, please, before you leave make sure to shut the door.

An event in my life

2011-02-28T02:07:00.001-08:00

I bought a book about writing and it has an exercise so I’ll try to answer it.

*An event in your life

This is when I was a kid and my family was complete. I couldn’t forget the simple life I had. My family was like the usual family who frequently fight with each other. My mom and dad fought in front of the table while I was eating and mom was cooking. My childhood memories weren’t that good. Whenever one of my sisters will get pregnant I would expect a fight in the house. I would really like to cry but no tears would come out. Every pain got isolated inside my heart. I always wanted to burst but my mom wouldn’t be happy seeing me cry. She never wanted me to be weak. I guess I got this strong attitude from her. The only difference is that she is strong, for real.

I love the music during Sundays. They would play old songs that would really put away all of your stress. Sunday was my favorite day of the week. We were very active in church. All of us have a particular role in the church. When we got home we also have particular chores to do. We always got excited whenever we will have a vacation and I will start to count the days. My parents hardly worked their ass off so we could finish our studies. So, money wasn’t an issue but there’s no space for indulgence. At the age of seventeen I started to use my voice as a source of income. Life wasn’t really that bad. And if I could choose an event of my life that I could turn back, I will definitely choose when my family was complete. Though it is not perfect, but you’d know it’s real.

.......

2011-02-15T01:52:00.000-08:00

It was in the middle of the night when he can’t stop thinking of her. It’s driving him crazy. He tossed and turned. He knew at that moment he’s about to lose his girlfriend. They had a big fight and it could be the reason to end everything that they have. In his mind the thoughts were taunting him.

“She must be off the wagon” the first thought occurred.

“She could have been dancing with some stranger or probably met someone that could replace me.” Paranoia started to enter.

“I know her. She’s probably acting like a complete slut and having her body jeopardize with some guys she barely know.” He rose from the bed and started to put some clothes on.

He’s dashing the car and not minding that he might be caught by the police for driving swiftly. He knew at that moment that once he got her back he’ll never let her go and offer her a marriage. He realized that she doesn’t deserve the hurtful things he said last night. Then memories flashed back while he held the steering wheel stiffly.

“You never compromised with the things I like! Even in those small things you’re always making a big deal out of it! I despise you!” She screamed the words.

“Hey! Watch your words! I think that you’re the one making a fool of yourself!” He fought back.

Tears started to fall down her cheeks. She never thought her boyfriend will say those words to her.

She made her hands like making him to stop and the other covering her lips. She gasped for air and hurriedly opened the door and took off. She knew that if they continue they’ll only make the wounds deeper.

He finally arrived at the bar where she frequents. This is also the place they first met. He dashed through the door and saw the people wildly dancing.

“She must be one of these girls who liberally dancing, I should find her.” His heart started to pound fast.

He saw one of the waitresses approaching and taking orders and he instinctively asked.

“Hey! Have you seen a girl like this tall?” He used his hands to describe his girlfriend’s height.

The waitress looked at him blankly, holding the tray full of beer, clueless.

“She’s blonde, wearing a black dress.” He further described. He lost a little hope because realized that there could be a lot of girls that exactly have those things.

The waitress responded just to finish his nonsense and continue with her job “I’m sorry. I haven’t.” Then headed to the crowd and busily asked for more orders.

“I’m not giving up!” He uplifted his hope. It took a few more minutes when he finally saw her girlfriend.

She’s oblivious that her boyfriend is around and slowly walking towards her.
He thought to himself how beautiful her girlfriend is. Though she danced like the other girls, she still has the respect of his boyfriend.

“She is so damn beautiful.” He whispered to himself.

“How could she be all alone?” He asked himself.

“I must be so lucky no one approached him.” He grinned.

“I’m going to marry this girl and from now on I’ll work things out with her.” He planned while getting near to his girlfriend.

He grabbed her wrist and she looked at him, shocked.
“Get off of me!” She backed off.

“I’m really sorry babe. I’m out of my mind saying those ugly things to you. It wouldn’t happen again. Please come back..” Someone shouted before he gets finished.

“Take your hands off my girlfriend!” A guy coming out from the crowd holding two bottles of beer yelled at him.

“I’m sorry! Who’re you?” He’s confused and furious.

“I’m his boyfriend!” He clenched his hand and formed into a round fist like its getting ready for a trouble.

He felt like falling into a deep well that has no end. He felt a quick dabbed on his heart. He never felt so much hurt like this before. He didn’t know how to handle the situation. He can’t blame her girlfriend anymore because he might lose her forever. He trailed off. He felt the need to vanish.

“I don’t want to lose you babe..”. He secretly told her girlfriend to his mind.

“I’m sorry I thought she’s someone I knew.” He pretended to be a complete stranger.
At that moment while her boyfriend eventually vanishing through the crowd. She started to weep.

She talked with the guy, still sobbing. “I’m sorry Carl you’ve got involved into this.”

“That’s nothing. I’m always here to save my friends.”

“So, are you sure with this Faith? Do you really want to end this with Dan?” He asked, making sure of his friend's final decision.

“He left me with no choice.” She uttered and constantly cried.

To be continued...

Love Story

2011-02-15T01:42:00.000-08:00

Expressing my brain farts is one of the things I enjoy most. So, I decided to make my own thoughts into an actual story. This is not my life that I'm writing about. I just got inspired by the books I've read. It's highly appreciated if you're going to comment about the story that I'm going to make and hear some ideas from you guys! I hope you'll like it! Enjoy!

Mind you guys. This is only a made-up story, it doesn't have a title yet. If you'd like to help me, be my guest. Thank you!

Sex and Valentines

2011-02-14T06:56:00.000-08:00

February 14 as we all know is the commemoration of the day of love, whereas you’ll see studded couples in the park, kissing, fondling, and expressing their love to each other. The movie houses are completely full, restaurants, and coffee shops. Flowers and chocolates are being given as a gift. Love letters for high schools and losing your virginity for college. (That just didn’t come out)! Lol. Well, This day is more of like Christmas and New Year to me, nothing special. If you really wanna express your love to someone there shouldn’t be a special day. Life is too short men! Why would you waste precious times if you can express your shitty love everyday. I wanna go out but I just can’t because I know that lonely people are in malls, trying to look up for someone they can fool. I can’t remember when was the last time I’d been asked of the definition of love. But I bet that was several years ago. Okay for me love makes you crazy. Love is unpredictable. Love hurts. Love makes you horny. Oh! That’s lust pala! Sorry.. Sometimes I forgot the difference! Hahaha! Love is…… well.. I ran out of definition. Basta! Love makes me sick! You're waiting for sex noh? Sorry I'm not a perv like you! hahaha! Huli ka!

Sinner

2011-02-14T05:43:00.000-08:00

I feel so immature. I act so childish and do childish things. In this point of my life I should have gotten enough savings but where all of those savings went? I have a big problem and in desperately need of help. I know that in one bet I’ll instantly go back to that place. I’m not proud. I just wanted to write this because this has been my big problem back then and it should be written so I could remember the mistakes I’ve got myself into. No one can control me and neither can I. It’s like digging and digging an endless hole. I know that I’m not in a good place and this should come to an end. Now it’s time to erase it in my vocabulary.

Still holding

2011-02-07T17:06:00.000-08:00

This week has been a little bit of a challenge. Regrets are so evident. I can’t do anything about it. I can’t blame other people nor blame myself in this matter. All I can do is to proceed with the battle. I have never foreseen that I will learn the hard way. Today is another day. It’s never too late to redeem yourself. I lost my track so I promise this time I will be more focus on my goal and never let my dream slip away.

The movie and the cab

2011-02-01T07:04:00.000-08:00

Shit! My downloaded microsoft word has expired so pardon my grammar because I'm now using my notepad and it doesn't correct grammar and spelling. I just miss writing and this is the only way to express my brain farts. My restdays have gone shortly and I still don't wanna go to work. But hey! I don't have a choice. I'm now officially one of those slave working people who don't have options but to drag their asses to their office. Gee.. I miss being a bum. Okay! Let's start with what the hell happened to me these past few weeks. I'm not getting enough sleep or I'm not getting it all. Each morning I just wanna lay down on the bed and not think about work anymore. But I know I'm not gonna get paid by doing that and if I'm not gonna get paid I wouldn't be able to pay my rent and get kicked out of my apartment. How I wish I have a choice to bail myself out of this hell!!!! People are just crazy!! Sometimes it's really hard to figure out what's real or not. But screw those people! Shit! I'm talking negative stuff again. It's just that this day was very irritating and I'm venting all out to you my notepad. By the way I've seen this movie "Love and other drug" and the movie was amazing! I can't believe the girl next door type like Anne Hathaway will show her pink tits on the big screen!! Well, Let's not focus on that you pervs! What I like about the movie was it's not the usual love at first sight thing that you'll definitely know what will happen next. The movie have shown a lot of positive perspectives in life, hope, courage and love. After watching the movie I dropped by the bookstore but apparently the book has only been published last november and phil. hasn't that book yet. So, I tried to find my way out and hailed for a cab but the fucking greedy taxi driver asked for extra fare more than I'm paying. So I banged his door and walked all through the way home. How I wish those drivers will pay someday. And... that's how my day went.

Pasta Delicioso ako!

2011-01-27T03:13:00.000-08:00

Ei there guys! I know there’s hiatus since I last wrote. And I know that most of the people who read my blog are the persons I know. I’m in exuberant feeling of writing so let me give you the details of my whereabouts. We finally started our small business. With “we” I mean with my very close friends. We were just planning it until we put it into action. Now the pasta business has been going smoothly. We deliver orders to different centers like West, People Support, and Startek. It’s always been crazy. I’ve been working my ass off 7 days a week. 5 days for my regular job and my 2 rest days are for delivering pasta. We have our pasta delivered during Mondays to Wednesdays. Doing all of these actually have purposes and I know someday it will pay off.

PoSitiVe :)

2011-01-05T03:24:00.000-08:00

My morning shift has started. I’m so pretty excited to get things done. I think this little change has a big impact organizing my things and myself. I’m also trying to keep in mind those uplifting words of wisdom I have written in my previous entry. I love how it feels to befriend optimism and attract positive things on you. I know it’ll take some practice to get used to it so I’ll start to attract positive things and think only positive.

I choose to be happy

2011-01-02T22:24:00.000-08:00

The year didn’t start exactly what I was expecting. Regardless, I’ll still try to make a positive entrance. I had a bad dream, got late for work and received a low csat (customer satisfaction). They say that whatever it is that you’re doing or feeling during New Year are mostly what will happen for the rest of your year. They could be right because when I got back to the office all I’ve been hearing are unlikely gossips. To be honest I got mad. But I realized, why should I get mad? I’m not doing anything besides I never talked and made stories about others. So, I’ll start my year cultivating these some words of wisdom.

I CHOOSE JOY

I will invite God to be the God of circumstance.
I will refuse the temptation to be cynical…
the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything
less than human beings, created by God.
I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity
to see God.

I CHOOSE PEACE

I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.

I CHOOSE PATIENCE

I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of choosing
the one who takes my place, I’ll invite him to do so.
Rather than complain that the wait is too long,
I will thank God for the moment to pray. Instead of clenching my fist
at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I CHOOSE KINDNESS

I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone.
Kind to the rich, for they are afraid.
And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I CHOOSE GOODNESS

I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be
overlooked before I will boast.
I will confesss before I will accuse. I choose goodness.

I CHOOSE FAITHFULNESS

Today I will keep my promises.
My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not
question my word. My wife will not question my love. And my children
will never fear that their father will not come home.

I CHOOSE GENTLENESS

Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle.
If I raise my voice may it be only in praise.
If I clench my fist, may it only be in prayer.
If I make a demand, may it only of myself.

I CHOOSE SELF-CONTROL

I am a spiritual being..
After this body is dead, my spirit will soar.
I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal.
I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy.
I will be impassioned only by my faith.
I will be influenced only by God.
I will be taught only by Christ.
I choose self-control.
Love, joy, peace, patience, and kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness, and self-control.
To these I commit my day.
If I succeed, I will give thanks.
If I fail, I will seek his grace.
And then, when this day is done,
I will place my head on my pillow
and rest.

A day with my family

2010-12-27T17:13:00.001-08:00

I've finally spent quality time with my family yesterday. I felt a little exhausted because the day before I was with a friend and we totally had a blast. So, when I woke up it's passed 12 pm and I was supposed to meet my family by 10 am. I jumped to the shower, got dressed up and dashed to greenbelt. Nothing more fulfilling than spending time with your family. They were all whining because they're all hungry and had been waiting for me. So, I brought them to North Park. It's one of the places I know they will like. We went back to cbtl to grab coffee, I almost have my promo card completed. I bought my sister and I a tumbler. When we got to the mall, I told my other sister to shop and I'll just pay for it as a gift. I also bought her husband a perfume @ memo. When they felt hungry again I dragged them to Persian Grill. After we ate I ended up the day with them so I can have a massage @ mont albo

The forgotten x-mas

2010-12-23T22:24:00.001-08:00

I have completely forgotten that it'll be Christmas tomorrow. I've taken calls for almost half day and I was definitely oblivious of my surroundings. At first I thought that people have gone crazy and suddenly they are all wearing those obscure happy faces and kindness. I had goodtimes with some friends like our usual day, playing some pranks and pulling each other's leg. But until I heard people greeting each other a happy holiday and gifts were all scattered on their tables I hurriedly dug into my pocket and grabbed my phone. I checked the calendar and I was a little shocked that it's Christmas eve and I had no idea at all. I started greeting the guests happy holidays and shared my warmth greetings. Though I don't know if some guests really appreaciate my genuine greetings because they really pissed me off, regardless, as long that I'd let my feelings out. Don't get me wrong. I love Christmas though we don't have that kind of holiday, as disobedient as I'm, I still dare to celebrate x-mas somehow. Last year I didn't celebrate x-mas, I just didn't feel celebrating it. How insane I could be I'd almost not celebrate New Year and chose to stay at home rather, but because my friends are really good friends they'd convinced me to go home. Now, all I'm thinking are the gifts I'm going to give my relatives and family. I was thinking giving some of my friends but of course family comes first.

Seaman?

2010-12-20T21:48:00.001-08:00

Am I ready for a job out of the country? I think it's the only way to get more experience and settle to become an independent person. I'm not sure if I'm turning my course into the right way but I think it'll help me a lot. I had a little chat with my big brother who's now working as a seaman. It's a serious job and I don't know if I can handle to be in his shoes. Pulling heavy anchor and cleaning the big ship is totally a serious job. Clearly I'm suiting myself and keep on hiding in my comfort zone. When will I learn? I'm getting tired of taking calls. I don't even know how long will it take to climb on the career ladder. I was able to keep little savings but clearly it's not sufficient for my future necessities. I need a job where I can save a lot to buy a house. To help my family.

Mixed

2010-12-20T02:28:00.000-08:00

I got this mixed-emotion again. Everytime I feel Christmas is drawing on the bliss and sadness seem to play the tug of war. I don't tend to be sad, I'm not supposed to feel that way, but it's the fate who keeps dragging the sad feeling. I can't control everything. I tried, but I failed. Maybe If it's destined to happen, then it'll happen.

Restless

2010-12-12T00:41:00.000-08:00

Too many things to do in a very small period of time. Pimples are sprouting on some parts of my body. Eyebags are getting darker and bigger. My appetite seems to go up in a higher level and I can't stop thinking about food. Could these be the signs of getting ugly? Christmas and New Year's eve are coming, maybe I could make those as an excuse for a little indulgence? I'm getting too busy these past few weeks and I don't know whether this could be good or not. Restless, this is my word for the month. I don't get much sleep and rest which affects my performance at work and specially my health. But at least now somehow I should learn how to use my time and organize my commitments. I'm still happy because I make friends and gain extra experiences.

Top 3 Priorities

2010-12-07T21:03:00.000-08:00

I bought a book entitled “Time Power”. It’s been many years since I have this issue about time. I seem to mishandle my time and have wasting many of it. It says to my book that you need to have a clear picture of your top priorities and should make a list of it. That’s why I’m writing it down.
Top priorities:
1. Buy a house (I know it’s so ambitious of me but the book tells that it should be limitless)
2. Two years from now I should be a trainer.
3. Pass the board exam this year.
These three are my top priorities and I should be able to make it.

PRAY

2010-12-04T00:50:00.001-08:00

I finally watched the movie eat, pray and love. I could say that the movie is something that could change someone else’s life. If you’ve been looking for inner peace which has been my issue for many years now, I guess this is the right movie to watch. For someone who is spazzy and busy looking for false bliss, maybe the right thing to do is halt for a moment and take everything easy as possible. I know for a fact what my reason for living in this chaotic world is. It is tangible. I could almost grasp it with my two bare hands. I could put into action. It is inevitable to happen. But what exactly the reason could be why I’m still holding back? The answer is Time. It could be a very simple word for you or you don’t really care of this word at all. But for me, this is the gift that I’ve been thanking for. A day is really not enough to compress everything and put it in a small box. I’m disappointing Him because of Time. It’s the only thing that I could offer and give Him, but where are those times had been? We’ve been busy looking for answers and still getting blinded of those material things. I know! We’re human. And I’m describing us with three S’s, soft, sinners, and spiritually-disjointed. This is the first thing that I have to work on and mindedly prioritize my time to God.

This Way --->

2010-11-30T01:24:00.000-08:00

Don’t fret about tomorrow. It’s not happening yet. Focus on what you have today; it’s a day that comes from above that we have to treasure and make useful. If you feel like you’ve been facing too much trouble and the world is against you, you have to think that it will surely pass.- Some words of wisdom that I’ve learned today. It’s so helpful especially if you feel down; these small words that come from books can surely help you out in times of difficulty. Well, my fondness in reading inspirational books has helped me survive each day. It’s a technique that comes from self-realization that I have not only based my learning into my experiences but also to other people’s experiences as well. It is so useful especially if you have the knowledge about the slippery roads that some people have gone through. It’s like walking into a road gaining propriety, adequacy, and blissfulness in every step, because you’ve known already where to wander. It’s not like you’ll get everything at the easy way, but of course human becomes at his best if they’ll get enough courage to face the real animosity of this life. We’re getting some advices to people who already gone through that road so we could minimize our mistakes and tentatively experience to walk through a more challenging road to better us.

I'm grateful

2010-11-29T01:57:00.001-08:00

The 2011 year is nearly approaching. I’ve contemplated about the things I did this 2010. I’m one hell of a lucky guy, I could say. I survived, faced up and surpassed the corrosive challenges that oppressively bringing me off the wagon. I’m veritably triumphant about my life and the blessings that incessantly knocking on my door. I’ve been thinking, what good deeds have I done to deserve this? He continuously guides my family and I. He becomes my shield with the sword of my antagonists. Despite the fact that I take you for granted at times, your understanding gives way and let them all pass. I thank you for all of these.

Quick getaway continuation

2010-11-25T22:48:00.000-08:00

We decided to pursue our main agenda which is going to the river. We had lunch first because we’re pretty sure our stomach will seek for food. On the way to our destination we’d seen different endangered animals. Ostrich was the first animal we’d seen there. There were two ostriches inside a big cage. Their feet were so long and full of mud. When I saw them I feel like riding on them. It’s like those we watched in cartoons making birds as their transportation. We’d also seen those stupid monkeys who made those crazy noises to annoy us well it worked. If I can throw bananas that have chili inside of it only to see what will be their next crazy reaction was, I could have thrown bunches of it, but they are restricted with barb wires. There were a lot of animals but those two kinda made my mind blown up. While we were following the tail of the river, I’d noticed that we were also been followed by bunch of kids. Our comedian friend has invited them to come with us so we can have them as our guide. Those children are those kinds of kids who can easily be pleased by simple things. I love how they grabbed the junk food that we’d bought just to think that it only cost 1 peso each that instinctively made them happy. When we finally arrived at the heart of the river we stopped for awhile and rested, I was trying to let the stunning site totally sink in to my mind. The river was studded by big and small stones. There was a big tree covering us from the sunlight trying to penetrate the leaves to make the surroundings more colorful and shining. The kids climbed at the tree, jumped off from there and rapidly slumped to the river. How amazing! I tried to climb at the tree but in my first attempt I didn’t think twice, I know I will fall if I continue. I took off my shirt and eventually got drenched by the cold water. I quivered at first but I didn’t mind until I dipped my whole body and face in the river. It’s one way to escape from the constant soul-disturbing, ruthlessness, and animosity challenges in life. I then finally enjoyed the beautiful setting and the whole idea of our quick getaway.

a quick get away

2010-11-24T22:08:00.001-08:00

I’d been longing to have a nice vacation. Some say that your year is not complete without visiting Boracay, which is 100 % true. I really felt sad when I realized that I wouldn’t be able to spend a vacation in Boracay due tight budgeting. If I’ll fly to my dream vacation I wouldn’t be able to buy my laptop which is more important than having indulgence that would last only for a few days. I packed some of my things up and dragged some of my friends to spend our rest days in bulacan. However the plan didn’t happen like what I was expecting. We found ourselves in Lipa Batangas after an hour and a half travel riding a bus. We know a comedian friend in Lipa so we decided to crash to his house for a night. We started the itinerary killing time at starbucks so we could wait until the show begins. I’m really not specific with time so I can’t tell what time we headed to library Lipa. It was a great night especially when we befriended the comedians and had a karaoke all night long. When we felt a little tired we went to a small “bahay kubo” near by the place. We got drunk and really wasted. How could I say so? I threw up. Hahaha.. which is a little embarrassing because I just met new friends and there I was with my disgusting vomits. We decided to drove off and went to a small house where a super delicious lomi that had been introduced to me. It’s one of the well-known food there in batangas that I will never forget. I was so drunk and pushed myself to eat the irresistible food. After that everything got fuzzy and I found myself crashing to our comedian friend’s house. The next morning it was the vacation I’ve never expected. After eating and having a cup of coffee in a store. I went back to the house and started making noises to wake them up.-to be continued..

Siblings

2010-11-21T00:56:00.001-08:00

This month and the month coming I have too many expenses for small savings. I hadn’t seen this was coming. My sister’s birthday is approaching and I’m not sure what kind of gift would I give her. I’m thinking of having my siblings out for dinner or coffee just for the sake of catching up. I really miss them. I have four siblings, a brother and four sisters. I remember how much troubled the house was when we’re together. It’s like a never ending wrestling match. In simple things that we used without borrowing it we’ll end up throwing punches to each other. Or busting up our privacies, believe me, it’ll blown your mind away. We literally thrashed, bust ass, or bust on one another. But now that we’ve grown up I think that will never going to happen again. We treasure each time that we’re together and looking forward to have each other’s companies. We have our own life now and far to each other. It’s really hard to look and notice how time rapidly flew by.

New Year's Resolution

2010-11-19T22:42:00.000-08:00

I can’t explain how excited I’m for this coming New Year and Christmas day which is the opposite feeling that I felt from the previous years. Last year I was so damn stupid that I literally wanted to celebrate those two special days inside my apartment and do nothing, but because some of my close friends who were in their provinces at that very moment called me and persisted me to go home, instead of making myself like a complete loser, I eventually followed their advices. And it worked. I felt somehow the spirit and importance of the special days. I felt the security and love that I was looking for other people that I really can’t get.

Let’s see.. here are some of my new year’s resolution. Let’s figure out if I could make these happen:
1. Save money for future necessities.
2. Lose weight.
3. Read more books and expand my horizons.
4. Focus on board exam. I have to make sure to take this coming year.
5. Love my job. Find out some possible things to make my job more interesting.
6. Widen my understanding to those people who can’t understand me.
7. Watch a lot of movies.
8. Get a band to enjoy my passion.
9. Give time to my family.
10. Give more time to God. Maximize my time spending on spiritual needs.

Ass out of it

2010-11-18T22:52:00.001-08:00

I’m not happy when others treat me like I don’t take things seriously. Sometimes I must admit I crack jokes or act like totally insane but it doesn’t mean that you have the guts to disrespect me. What the hell! I just got mortified when a friend (or just so I thought) humiliated me in front of our colleagues. I can’t understand why they act like a friend while inside they’re feeling the opposite of it. Well, At least I don’t carry any grudge inside me. Maybe a friend is right that in this industry you have to face different personalities. I pity them though. It’s hard to seize the feeling especially if you always make assumptions out from the people you barely know. Gee, they must have this inferiority disorder.

Small Accomplishment But It Matters BIG

2010-11-16T22:57:00.000-08:00

At last I’ve done something in my life. Though it isn’t a big deal but I think it’s a step. I’m not consistent as a colleague told me. I got to thinking. He’s right I’ve never been consistent even in small things. I’m good at first but once fear has entered my twisted mind, I’ll just suddenly give up. I always choose the easy way. But awhile ago as my hands were shaking and my body was trembling I still continued auditioning for the contest. I don’t really mind about passing or if I did it’s a bonus, but the fact that I stood up in front of other people and let them assessed myself was already a big accomplishment. Whenever I stand and speak in front of other people everything gets blurry. It’s another thing that I’m trying to work on with myself. I know once I get the self-confidence that I wanted everything will be easy.

Love will find you

2010-11-14T18:12:00.000-08:00

I was jogging along the highways of Makati when I felt love was right across the corner of the street. I saw two old couple holding hands, fondling, while carrying their groceries they've bought from the market. I can’t help but stare at them and breathe deeply. My run became small steps to seize the compelling scenario. While my sweat glands were busy producing a watery, salty fluid out from my body. Questions just bubbled up from my head like is there such thing as true love nowadays? Why do people get hurt constantly? Does love supposed to be that way? Maybe there is no peace in love. We emit too much energy and the next thing you know it has gone to waste. I’m not being cynical about love it’s what I conceive and perceive. If you want love so badly and look for it, things will turn ugly. You’re just ending up hurting yourself or worst you’re just going to isolate yourself and can never bail yourself out. You’ll just keep tracking pain because you thought pain is always a companion of love. You have to commence yourself with a lot of productive, useful, and helpful things that could not only keep yourself busy but could also be advantageous on your side. If things are meant to go wrong, it’ll always go wrong- (I’m not sure if where the heck did I read this or did I get the same thing but, however the gist is what is important to me.) Let me get straight to the point everything will fall into their right places and at the right time. We just need to wait, but at the same time we have to prepare ourselves to the right one. - best I made this for you. Cheer up!

Tired.. again

2010-11-05T22:10:00.001-07:00

I want to go outside and enjoy being alone but I got really exhausted after the office party. It seems that I’m all alone and I pushed everyone away, I guess I deserved it. Though I still have friends but I can’t even tell the real ones from shams. The world for me is getting worst. I can’t even get a grip. I feel like I’m always beaten up by some sort of evil people. The percentage of my fighting spirit is getting lower and I need to get some sort of inspiration to build it up again.

Productive Me

2010-11-03T22:20:00.000-07:00

I need to keep myself on my toes. I’ve been doing productive stuff lately. I know now how to give time for myself alone. What I mean was hanging out by myself because I’m not used to go out alone. It’s not like I’m scared or what. It’s just that I got easily bored and ending up going back home. I get the happy feeling whenever I do productive activities, like, reading books, watching movies, attending the worships, blogging, reviewing for board exam and of course jogging (though sometimes I’ve been disregarding this to my activity-list because of the lack of time) Gee, it’s so hard to keep everything up especially my time has always been consumed of my job. After my shift I’ll go straight to bed and when I wake up I’ll go straight to the office, so, it’s a little difficult to find space for some activities. Basically, I still owe this to Him. He prevents me to do sinful things and putting me away from wicked people. Thank you again for another day.

goodbye 2

2010-11-02T21:57:00.000-07:00

First off, does the day of November first really have to always be a gloomy day? What have I done? I just pushed 2 people away out of my life. It wasn’t supposed to be that way but they left me with no choice. If ending up alone just to get a peaceful world, I’ll place my bets. Alright, let’s face it! I’m not this nice little boy anymore who really wants to please everybody. Maybe what I like now is the other way around. Maybe that’s why there were some people who stood on my way and got bashed unexpectedly. They don’t know what happened to me and neither do I. Maybe I’m just tired of dramas in life. Maybe I got fed up with some shitty or cheesy stuff. Maybe I just lost my energy fighting for nothing. Or maybe I have raised my white flag unnoticeably. As long that I have “You” nothing really matters.

Goodbye

2010-11-01T23:42:00.001-07:00

In any instance we are only given a few shots or unluckily only one shot. But if you already have taken the rest of your shots that means you’re done. A friend has taken its toll on our friendship. I’ve been very patient understanding him but he has to do the same thing on my part. I’ve been going through a lot and another fabricated story about me wouldn’t help me at all, especially not coming from him. If being alone or having a few friends just to push away those cynicisms I’ll take the risk. I know part of them cannot be changed or wholly of them but why should I keep them if our thoughts always get contradicted. It’s like what I always think whenever this scenario would occur “Life is too short. Don’t push anything that doesn’t make you happy.”

Independency

2010-10-31T00:20:00.000-07:00

little by little I’m trying to avoid myself as a clingy person. I’m learning to be independent, nights without hug, morning without messages, and problems without friends. I used to be this little guy who always complains to his mom about his enemies at school. And here was my mom with her one eyebrow raised and her tough-mom image attacking the little children who’re in a big trouble. Honestly I wanted to be my mom who doesn’t easily get frightened by hurtful words and mean people. I guess she already built her faith in God. So, she keeps in mind that no one can harm her because she got God. If I’m alone as often times I can’t stop thinking that I’m officially independent. Away from my family, fighting the battle alone, and crying alone. Maybe this is what's good for me, to have time alone with myself. We all need space for ourselves especially in times that we find ourselves saturated with all the problems we’ve been facing. I know the feeling, it’s like you just want to cry your heart out and shout like no one’s listening. Problems are there and if your thinking like bailing yourself out I think you’re just putting yourself in a much complicated situation. You can’t avoid problems because it will always haunt you down. That’s why I admire people who were able to conquer every problem they had because the more they have solved the problems, the tougher they will be.

rude gay

2010-10-28T00:01:00.000-07:00

Wednesday

A fat gay at the office shouted “Martin!” and waved his hand like he’s asking me to come to his station.
I stopped talking to a friend and hurried to his place. “Ano yun?” I asked perkily.
He was giving me a packed-lunch while saying “Pakiinit naman tong food ko.”
I was in a hurry because my break was almost done so I said in a nice voice “Ui, sorry.. pabalik na ko station ko break ko lang..”
He frowned and shouted “Wala ka talagang silbi!” full of emotion like he really meant to say it.
There’s nothing came out in my mouth but the word “Sorry.”

Thursday
I was busy checking my stats and I got bothered when an unlikely score was given to me by a guest.
I got to my furious level when someone squeezed my shoulder down to my chest.
“Tangna naman oh!” I was about to punch the gay.
He went beside my station and said “Galit ka na nyan?”
I tried to calm myself because I know that I owe him somehow for helping me solve one of my problems when I was starting in the company.
“Sorry, nasira kasi araw ko dahil sa csat (stats) ko.” I said a little calm.
“bumawi ka nalang.” He said cheering me up.
“Oi, tignan mo si martin may nagbigay ng bagsak na csat.” He told the “fat bossy gay” walking behind us about my stats.
“Sino si martin?” the fat gay pretended that he doesn’t even know me.

F.A.T or N.O.T

2010-10-26T00:27:00.000-07:00

I’m not who I think I was anymore. This evening the truth slapped me on the face. I bumped into an old friend and he prompted me with a criticizing greeting “Ang taba mo na.” Only a friend who has not seen you in a long time has the authority to criticize what have changed in you and he’s exactly the person who’s I’m talking about. My cheek turned into red and I didn’t know how to hide my body from his mocking eyes. I’m the type of person who really gets affected whenever someone tells me about my imperfection. I guess I always want to please people and I still don’t want to hear their judgments about me. I still haven’t overcome the inferiority feeling that has been preventing me from excelling. A good advice from a friend of a friend lessen the cynical feeling “Don’t base your happiness in what others will say to you.” He got it right. And it’s a practice I should apply. Maybe people really come and go. Change is constant next to it is acceptance. These are some things that I learned from today’s off.

F.A.T

2010-10-21T00:17:00.000-07:00

I cleaned up my room because I can’t stand the mess anymore. I got a new mission for myself which is to lose some weight. I tried to eat cucumber that has been marinated with vinegar and pepper but it didn’t work out. My appetite failed me. I ate bunch of rice and different viands. I guess depriving for food was not a good idea. I don’t know how to lose my weight, it’s been bothering me and a lot of people mock me because I’m getting fat everyday. I need something that can control me from eating. I hate it! When I was in high school all I wanted was to gain weight, but now being fat is a curse that I can’t break.

alone

2010-10-18T02:37:00.000-07:00

After my shift at work, I headed home right away. I was thinking of going out alone and at last I did. I rode a bus going to Glorietta. The bus was a little bumpy and I hurt an old lady unintentionally. I was supposed to grab the seat when I scratched the face of the poor lady.
“Araayy!” the lady shouted.
“Naku, sorry po. Sorry..” I begged for forgiveness and tapped her back, but she just frowned and turned her eyes away.
I think I hurt her that much. I looked at her face but I haven’t seen any scratch marks. I guess we just overreacted.
I was supposed to watch a movie and buy a book. But I forgot I’m on a tight budget, it’s for my laptop. So, I picked some books from the bookshelves and read some pages. After 30mins I went to fuzzion in greenbelt to get some rest and grab some snacks. I love their fries there! Though I only got one restday it’s still paid off. Time for yourself isn’t really that bad. Each one of us has to be alone sometimes.

Puzzle

2010-10-15T23:14:00.000-07:00

Don’t think you already know everything. I was shocked and my eyes got widely opened when reality knocked off my childhood. I was drawn to laugh and let other smile as well, but it doesn’t work that way as the reality changes everything. There’s an instance in your life when a big stone will fall into your head and you’ll find out yourself wide awake and feel like everything is new to you. You’ll become more sensitive in every action with the people you’re surrounded with. The way they talk, smile, move, or even breathe as long that it has an action. It doesn’t feel good but there’s nothing we could do but to accept changes. Sometimes I wonder if why not trying to live a simple life. But I know if I live that life it’s not going to be me at all.

It's not always a sunny day

2010-10-14T23:45:00.001-07:00

You don’t want to know where I came from because I know that you don’t want to hear it. I’ve been tracking extreme experiences lately. I thought my life is boring, but when I met people who are crazier than me. Maybe living a boring life is not bad after all.
At my age right now is the time where people decide to quit playing with fire. Self-realization and matured thinking should be seen. I guess I still don’t have the courage to make some steps to better myself because I’m still considering some things. One step at a time as the cliché goes. I’m still lucky like I’ve always been because I’ve got friends who give some really good advices that work for me. Though, I’m in a bad place right now or experiencing some troubles I could say that I’m still lucky because “You” never leave me.

Positive

2010-10-02T08:39:00.001-07:00

I brought back the positive attitude in me. Though, it isn’t complete but at least the optimism appears. I manage to balance my time and put aside the side thoughts that are showing up constantly. My alter ego visits me every now and then but I’m still trying to fight that up. I know I’ve had my ups and downs but generally life has been good to me. I still can’t figure out what’s missing or what could be the source of my problem, but it’s better if I’ll be at the good side. A lot of people tried to convey their opinions about my problems and I could say that it isn’t bad to listen. It helped me a lot. Now, all I have to do is continue what I’ve started and finish it till the end.

Six feet under

2010-09-26T13:58:00.000-07:00

I opened my eyes and I could see that I’m not young anymore. The big metamorphosis entails big responsibilities. I fret about my future because I know my family has been waiting for it. I don’t even know what my future is. I plan, but once that plan wanders to some directions, here I’m changing my interests as well. The expectation of family is what matters now. If I’ll lose this battle I know I’m not the only one who’ll get disappointed. They also put their trust in me and I can’t afford to break it. The reality kills me. Sometimes I wish there’s another world where I could hide, where no one can see me. But that’s not how my parents taught me, and that is not the kind of attitude they have. I know that my friends are sick hearing my stereotype issue about this problem. What the hell, no one should tell me what to do or how to do it. My life has been depended on what they would say. It’s a choice I have to decide for myself. If I’ve chosen the wrong decision then the fault should be counted on me. I want to live my life, not when I’m dead and my coffin is immersing into the soil, then regrets will emerge. Gee, that’s ridiculous! I don’t want that to happen.

Mandatory

2010-09-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

I lost my appetite, not only for food but also with life. I feel like I’m stuck. I feel like my mind has been nothing but a twisted mass of strands. I wanted to go home for good, but if I’ll do that, I will look like a baby wobbling back to his mom. I got a lot of plans, and while I’m young I think this will be the good time for me to venture out. I have a lot of talents and I think God has given me those talents for me to use. I know I’m so stupid when it comes to decision making. I always choose the easiest way and play safe. I never got the chance to come out of my comfort zone. I always calculate things, what will happen if I do this or do that? It’s like how a friend defines me. I’m afraid to come out of the shell. And I tried to come out but the opportunity slipped away and nothing happened. I read tons of inspirational books like the secret, the power of positive thinking, destination to success and more. It seems that those books don’t make any good. I lost my passion and drive to do things. There’s no more that kind of inspiration that wakes me up each morning and makes me feel like jumping off the bed perkily. It’s so sad to think that we exert too much effort to those things that we are not happy about because we have to. We’re stuck with the life we have not chosen for ourselves. I always tell my colleagues “Ang hirap maging mahirap!”

A Manifested Future

2010-09-19T12:08:00.000-07:00

I got a lot of plans for myself. I just mulled over this all throughout the night. Let’s keep this organized. First, alright, I can’t see myself working in a call center for good, though I really got inspired with 3 amazing people to become a trainer. I love their qualities and personalities. I admire just the way they are. Whenever I feel lazy, I’ll try to think of them to get back my passion to work. In short I think of them as my inspiration. I enjoy work and people at work, but I can’t still find out the reason of the sudden mood swing towards my job. It could be the option to get some rest or probably a long rest. Because I know some people who moved back to their provinces just to live life peacefully. I wanted to try that, but for me I really wanted to live by the beach. Why? Because I know beach can heal, and it refreshes your mind and soul. When I get back I’ll put my plans align. I’ll be a singer. Singing is the only way to express myself out, to express and show my feelings. It’s been my passion since I was a child. While enjoying my passion I’ll have my own business which is a garb shop. I’ll sell my own painted shirts and shoes. I know for now it’s impossible, but just a few months more, it will be possible.

Another Day

2010-09-18T10:32:00.001-07:00

I’m trying to suppress the thought of resigning to my job. My friends got the same issues, though it’s not the same like mine, but they want to leave their jobs as well. Someone told me “Nahirapan ka lang ng konti eh”. She’s not my friend. I got affected. Maybe she’s right. I just felt restless during that time, and then suddenly I’m entertaining the thought of leaving. Everyone gets tired too. I shouldn’t act like it’s always about me. I have to accept the real world of a grown-man. I should have prepared myself in this kind of world. Everyone of us has its own reason to leave. Rio wants to leave his job because of his terror manager. Stephen wants to leave his job because he got his heart broken. Why do we always feel worn-out? A lot of people work but they don’t get the same feeling. Maybe they enjoy their chosen career. Maybe they have certain inspirations. Maybe they got all they wanted in that kind of job. As what I’m always saying and believing “Life is too short. Don’t waste on the things you’re not happy about”. I kinda feel that I’m in the middle, not happy or sad. Like what I said I’m in the middle like I always am. I want to push myself forward, but how? I can’t even distinguish what could make me happy? I know You’re there, so please help me. Give me more energy and patience which I lack of. I love you. Please bless me.

Don't Forget the Word Prayer

2010-09-15T21:50:00.001-07:00

I’m getting back to myself. I’m glad that I was able to recover and get back the real me. I’m happy that I followed some advices from my friends. I also believe in Him that totally gives me a refresher. I thanked Him for being there despite of my shortcomings. I do love Him, but it’s true that it’s not enough only to believe, but we also need to worship Him, it’s the only thing that we could give in return. I’d worshipped Him yesterday and while singing my heart out loud, it just burst. I forgot to bring something to wipe my tears so I got my face and hand drenched. After attending the worship I feel so relieved. Prayer helps me feel better. Let God in and He will do the rest.

Down

2010-09-13T23:38:00.000-07:00

I don’t know if I’m going to make the right decision, but I’m really tired. It must be the disappearance of my inspiration. I don’t know but a friend said “find the reason of your negative feelings”. I have to be motivated, but I don’t know where to get the motivation. I came from work at around 7:30 am. I opened my door, and put my bag rapidly on the floor. I lay down on my bed and tears started falling. My mind is shouting “please help!” I’ve been shouting but no one could hear me. Is there someone could help me? I don’t think so. I’m like a prisoner of my own decision. Once I move the wrong chess piece, I can’t turn it back anymore. This is how life messing up with me. No one could help me but I still have to make the right decision. Honestly, now I’m afraid. How old am I? But I’m still in the same line. Not moving. Do we really have to get on top just to say that we are successful? Maybe I forgot what success really means. Success is like you’re so excited to wake up in the morning and you feel like jumping off your bed just to do the things that you want. It’s so sad to think that I turned out into this person, so weak and vulnerable. We are all running and wanted to be ahead of one another, but believe me we still have no idea where the finish line is. No one said where or how to stop. So, I’m raising my white flag.

Away From You

2010-09-12T22:07:00.000-07:00

Everyone needs a break. I think this is what I needed. I told a friend that I like to move to boracay and have a vacation for just a few months. But my savings seems not sufficient to make that dream-vacation happen. Just a week ago I posted in fb that I need to go somewhere peaceful and quiet where I could contemplate. It didn’t happen. I don’t know what could be the reason of my suffocated-mind and uneasy feeling. one thing I’m sure of, I need an escape. I’ve been asking this for years. And I was granted once, but when I got the chance, I felt the longing to go back to the jungle where I belong. It’s true, that when you’re from a province and decided to move in a city you should be prepared of a big metamorphosis. I’m at the stage of fighting up the feeling to go back in the province. Where I could just live peacefully and away from the smothering feeling you’re job can cause you. You don’t have to wake up early and think that you have a job to go to. This life is full of shit. I don’t know where else to place myself. I need a break. I need to be far away from everything and everyone where nobody sees me.

I'm losing it

2010-09-10T16:18:00.001-07:00

I thought it wouldn’t happen to me, to a very cheerful, positive and perky person like me. I was wrong. I once have been very happy and contented. I don’t know what went wrong. I don’t know what happened. Have you ever experienced this one point in your life, where you find yourself unhappy? That everything happened in your past could be attributed to your sadness? My passion in everything vanished. I feel nothing, I feel numb. I feel like ice is covering my whole body and I can’t even move. The frosty feeling made me cheerless and gloomy. I don’t know where this feeling started. I just felt it out of nowhere. I hear voices, saying I should stop. I don’t know what does it mean, but I know I should end up something. It’s crazy that out of the blue I got myself paralyzed. I want to take my energy back, I just don’t have any idea how.

The Wall Street of the Philippines

2010-09-09T02:53:00.000-07:00

When I was a child I dreamt of living in a city. I was a typical “probinsyano” who’s mind of thinking was set up making his career in a city. We all know that Makati is the wall street of the Philippines because of its affluence and urban lifestyle we’ll experience here. People are like robots they act mundanely and do the same thing everyday all over again. Makati pals are very competitive and efficient when it comes to work. They are focused more on the pay off they’ll achieve once they do a great job in their work fields. They are bustling to climb the ladder. For me rest day is like a gift. I can do some of my passion. For some rest day doesn’t count they rather stay at work and put their faces in front of the computer. People who don’t live, that’s never going to be me. Makati is also known as the classiest city in the Philippines for its hot spots. For party animals there are republic, icon, malate, embassy, and more, name it! For me staying in a coffee shop is the best place to stay at. I can’t afford myself getting bump by the people in bars and getting deaf because of the hard sound of their sound systems. Well, if you like in a peaceful and quiet place, your province should be your default. My goal here in Makati is not yet done so consider this as to be continued…

ilo-ilo trip

2010-09-08T17:14:00.000-07:00

I should admit I’ve been devoured of cynicism these past few days. I’m tired of drama, that’s one thing I’m sure of. I let people go. That’s part of being numb. I really want to leave my job as early as possible but there are few things I’m still considering. This must be the effect of my ilo-ilo’s hangover. Yup! Before I forgot let me tell you of what happened there. Before going to ilo-ilo we shopped some garbs to wear for judging. The clothes are quite expensive though it’s sale. I didn’t mind paying, expecting we’ll get more money out of our judging. Expecting is one of my assignments that I should work on though. We hustled at the airport knowing we’re late. Good thing my bestfriend knows how to object. We flew to ilo-ilo and right after we took off the plane, we did our business. We explored ilo-ilo and time wasn’t sufficient to completely enjoy the place. 2nd day is the main business which is judging. I got nervous a bit though it’s not my first time to judge. It’s a great feeling to know that you’re co-judges took up their colleges in other countries and had specialized their courses there. What I like most was when the contestants will try to look into your eyes directly but once they noticed you look like stern and going to eat them alive, and then they will wander their eyes to some directions. I like it when they got intimidated in a way and give you respect. I love the food and some hot spot places there. Food is so affordable which counts in my convenience and hang-out places are very relaxing. I should probably go back there next year. Palawan and Malaysia are our next destination.

Which Way?

2010-09-01T02:26:00.001-07:00

Do you already know which path to take? We are random people who really have no idea where to wander. We encountered a lot of challenges and we are saying that we should turn those to better us. It’s so easy o say. I loved, but got hurt. Now see how love changed me. I’m so afraid to give my complete love anymore because I know when I give everything I could be left by nothing. I know painful emotions could better us but how can we control emotion if you can’t even grip it. It’s like a balloon that you just let it fly and when you’re almost about to reach the top that’s the time the unexpected explosion will inevitably emerge. And next time you know you’re on bended knees having a hard time picking up the pieces.

Tired

2010-08-26T01:50:00.000-07:00

I feel it again. Please, I’m tired. I thought I’m already numb. How come I’m feeling the knife slicing my heart? How come despite all the positive energy that I got, this feeling sneaked out. I’m tired. Please.

It's Me

2010-08-23T04:59:00.000-07:00

I was watching a television show. Then, I realized that I’m lucky. The girl who’s the subject on the t.v has little feet and walks with her hands. I don’t give pity on them, but I think highly of them. She has an imperfect body but despite that imperfection, she wasn’t get discouraged and continuing with her life. We have our body complete and yet we’re afraid to show what we’ve got. We’re afraid to reach the top. We keep our mouth shut. We are afraid of those people who are superiors than us. Or we just don’t want to push ourselves forward. I’m not saying that I’m a tough guy or what, maybe I just realized that I have to let go of myself like what a friend told me. If they are not happy about you then let go of yourself and there are more to life. Until now I’m trying to perform a thought that came from someone else’s blog. Well, it goes like this “If you don’t fit, get out” simply as that, but it has a big meaning. I’m young and have a lot of things to offer so why should I push myself to something or someone who doesn’t appreciate me?
I’m blessed with talents and some qualities that others might don’t have. I’m lucky, I’m blessed with love.

Courage

2010-08-21T09:47:00.000-07:00

“For one more day” by- Mitch Albom is the book that I got myself really into. It is an informative book that should be reading with people who lack self-confidence, like me. It encourages a lot of readers to be strong. Well, I’m really not yet done with the book, and actually half way reading it. But it really got me to write some things about it. What I love most about the book is that it informs us to not give up and never let someone to tell you what to do. Well, in that thought the writer have my side. No one can tell us what to do. Our capabilities are beyond our expectations. So, I think at that part Mitch Albom is trying to point out that people should be courageous at times venturing, so, they’ll be able to know the result of their decisions. Well, I hope in those times I’m holding that book. So, I’ll retain the information of being courageous.

Full Of It

2010-08-20T22:40:00.000-07:00

Side comments, doubted-eyes, gossips behind your back, digging a story out of your life, squeezing to know your bad sides, prejudices. Yes, I’m so full of it. What the hell they care? Sometimes, I can’t get a grip out of it and choose to stay away from those people. They look at you like a low-life person while in fact they should speak for themselves. I just know exactly why I lack self-confidence, and with this I’m not blaming anyone. I’d been compared with my brother and sisters when I was young. I’d received a lot of criticisms from my mom and from my sister. I’m not pointing fingers. It’s just that they are right. I’m dumb at some point. I didn’t listen, I never comprehend, and I just stick to what I believe. I’d told a friend and thanked her for believing in me. I guess I owe her a lot. The criticism of my mom differs from the criticism of others who barely know me. I’m now grasping the knowledge of how to read some people on how they act and speak. Or you could actually distinguish them simply by how they discourage and turn other people down just to look good. They disgust me. Well, that’s how I accepted the fact that people are different from each other.

Acceptance

2010-08-20T01:01:00.000-07:00

I can’t believe it. I found myself so honest and open to my friends. Though, yes, I’m considering them as my friends but I completely opened up myself to them. Even my not so private family matters. Well, I guess I don’t care anymore. Well, you can’t really say to some people that they are your friends, unless, share some problems, memories or concern about your life to them. Ms, D and I were hailing for a cab when we just fussed over to some really private matter. I tried to repress from the issue about my family, but we all know that we can’t escape from reality. This is the life I have to deal with. Maybe acceptance is the only solution to elude me from being cringed with my expectations. I sometimes have a reverie of having a complete and happy family but I guess that wouldn’t happen anymore. So, go on with life and deal with what God’s challenges has been providing us. And besides, we all know that He wouldn’t give a challenge that we cannot subdue.

drunk and wasted

2010-08-19T03:08:00.000-07:00

I admire some people. And maybe that’s one of the reasons I’m inspired. Inspired to do things and looking forward for another day of my life. Sometimes, you learn from them. Though, you thought to yourself you’ve got enough of experience so you could say such things, but you wouldn’t know until someone tells you haven’t. I don’t know but I just love those guys that I’m surrounded with. I don’t know, I just feel love, honesty, and friendship from them. Maybe, my other trainer was right. They are kind of tired of beating around the bush so just get to the point. It’s easy that way, right? Sometimes, I wish I could make them smile somehow. But all we can do is to be there. If someone gets his/her heartbroken company is the best way to somehow lessen the pain. I’d my heart broken as well and for me I can’t say that I completely moved on. But I can say that I’d been in love and had been loved. The nice part is that you learn from it, you familiarize the process of healing, the way of accepting and learning to move forward. So, I’m happy for those people they got their heart broken also, because they also felt the pain and with pain you know that you’d been loved by someone. I could say that the only thing that keeps us holding back is the memories we spent with them together, which it will be with us forever. Everyday is a nice time to start. So, don’t think that it’s the end of the life and there’s nothing to look forward ahead. Because, believe me there are a lot of people who'd been with that shitty feeling as well.

SOmeThing To WriTe

2010-08-15T23:23:00.000-07:00

Okay, fine! I’ll try to enjoy myself alone. But believe me. I’m not a loner. And this is my second time to be like one. My bestfriend got a hectic and busy schedule since he just got promoted as a supervisor. P has a patient, M has work, and C. I don’t know. I can’t talk to her yet. Maybe, this day is really for myself only. I just got here in coffee bean. So, far I’m enjoying being alone. After having coffee I’ll be heading to greenbelt to read some books. I looked around and I’m surrounded by old people, wearing office get ups. Me? I’m wearing my favorite shirt; it’s actually plain white shirt, black pants and a pair of sneakers. Basically, I have nothing to write right now. But since I’m trying to enhance my writing I’m obliging myself to write.
Maybe, let’s talk about something that most of you don’t know about me yet. Let us discuss about me being a trainer. Yes, that’s what I want for myself. Why? My supervisor asked me. Why don’t you be a supervisor instead of being a trainer? I mulled over the question for awhile, and answer back. I think being a trainer is more challenging. She typed in while I was talking. She said “being a supervisor is more challenging.” I remembered what Cyril had told me, that there’s no security about the supervisory position. Alright, if I wouldn’t fall to what I wanted, then I wouldn’t close my doors to other options. So, there’s no issue to mull over of.
Just to be realistic. What “if” I wouldn’t get what I wanted or cross the career ladder. What will be my other back fall? That’s the time I should probably continue what my mom wants for me, which is to be a teacher, and have enjoy my passion to singing at the same time.
These are some questions I got from a book:
1. What can you remember you entered the first grade?
2. The cruelest thing anyone did to you?
3. Kindest thing anyone ever did to you?
4. Who is the most entertaining person you have ever known?
5. Whom do you most admire today?
6. What event in your life provided excitement?
7. Sense of achievement?
8. Biggest disappointment?
9. If you could be any person in the world for a day, what would you choose to be?
10. If you could relive one day in your life, what would that day be?

These are my answers:
1. I remember holding a long flabby pillow during class. I was in the class of my mom. She was my teacher, so it’s kind of favorable at my side, but honestly I know that I’m smart. I answered wittily. Until my asthma got on the way and had my health so weak. I frequented the hospital and skipped my classes. So, after that I think I had attended the class very seldom.
2. Let’s start with the cruel part. Maybe, I can’t say that the person wholly done it. Partly it hadn’t happened if I don’t get myself involved. So, I can’t say that everything should be blame to that person. In everything that we do we always have a choice. So, skip this part!
3. There are a lot, but let me pick 2 of those. First, when I had an asthma attack and felt that I was about to die. You sent me to the hospital and there you were patiently taking care of me. Second, when I parteed and you put your finger inside my mouth to stop me from grinning. And told me “You’ll bite my fingers if you have your teeth clench.” There I had my heart surrendered to you.
4. There are 3 artists that I had my mouth dropped whenever I listen to them singing. Erik Santos, Jay-R and Nina. I don’t have to explain this more. I just love them.
5. Shoot! This is quite hard to answer. I admire a few because it’s really hard to find people like them. First, it is a well-known artist and I bet people know me will tell you who that is. It’s Nina, simply because I love her voice and the way she sings. I watch her video most of the time, it just relaxes me somehow. Second person is a trainer from my company, I just love how she facilitates, acts, speaks, and basically I love the person. And she inspires me more to be a trainer. Third, none other than my mom. She told me you’ll realize how hard to be a parent when you become one. Though, I’m not yet a parent I know how much sacrifices she had for us. And I think half of who I’m right now, I adopted it from her.
6. Everyday for me is excitement. I know I’m an interesting person. And learnings in life are my excitements.
7. I haven’t achieved my goal yet. But for most of people who don’t know yet. I think I definitely achieved half way of the top. I might say I had achieved most of the people wanted to reach. So, I think that makes me lucky compare to others and that have me achieved the top somehow.
8. Disappointment is a big negative word. I’m kind of disappointed to some part of myself. There are some bad habits that I can’t avoid. So, I think so far that’s the recent disappointment.
9. Sorry, I’m not being conceited or bragging, but I just want to be me. And God knows what I want to change to myself.
10. To live the life were my family was complete. Though I accepted completely that that is quite impossible. I'll just have my reverie to fill what’s gone.

In Time

2010-08-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

All we need is time. I know I wouldn’t be alone. I know the time will come and I will go back to your arms. Maybe this is not the right time yet, but I know that will come. You know what I want and I know that despite your disapproval you still support me somehow. I’m obviously alone right now. I’ve never received any messages coming from you after my birthday. I can’t find the exact reason why? Maybe, it’s because I lied? Maybe, it’s all about the challenges we’re facing now? I hope you haven’t found out yet about dad’s secret. Maybe, that could add to your burdens. I really want to go home and see you again. But I know it’s not yet the right time. I hope you could read my mind so you know what my plans are. I want to save some money and help you somehow. And go back to your arms and follow what will make you happy. I also want to build my own career and I hope when I get it you’ll realize I’m not mistaken of the path I’ve chosen. I just wanted you to know you’re my inspiration.

Know How To Go and Be Happy

2010-08-12T21:10:00.000-07:00

I’m happy about my job. I think I’m doing pretty well and improving a lot. I’m trying to avoid writing any negative thoughts here in my blog. As the saying goes “Life is too short to waste a little bit of a second to some petty stuff.” I enjoy people whom I’m surrounded with. I don’t waste time; I’m always on the go.
Will you get upset if someone makes actions that are not necessary? What I mean is that the person will get mad at you or say something to you that you never expected. I’ve never wanted to lose someone in my life. But if that person is trying to get off of me then I’m willing to let go of that person, especially if that’s going to make her/him happy. Life is not unfair it’s the person who only thinks what it is.
Maybe sometime all we need is time and space to think it over. We have to realize that there are more to life. You don’t want to wake up one morning saying to yourself, I exerted too much energy and time to some useless things. How will you know if this is useless? I think you know the answer.
“If it doesn’t make you happy anymore”.

I'm going to Your home

2010-08-04T23:36:00.001-07:00

I can’t find my soul. Am I a bad person now? Do you think so? How can I bring back myself? How can I clean the messed I’ve done? How can I be a better person in your eyes?
Some says live your life to the fullest? I didn’t know that fullest has its own limitations too. You do your things recklessly and then what? There you are hitting your head with your two hands and waiting that there’s an answer might come up? How stupid you are.
Do you know where to find peace? I think it has been waiting for me all the while. I know where to look for it. I know where to find it. And there where I’m heading right know. Please, bless me.

I'm going to your home

2010-08-04T23:36:00.000-07:00

Don't Look Back

2010-08-03T22:49:00.000-07:00

I’m trying to perform the things that I’m reading from a book. A book that says there’s nothing good you’ll get if you will deal with the word regret. But fuck! I’ve done a lot of crazy stuff that I wish I shouldn’t had, decisions that were caught off guard. Now, I’m like a prisoner with my own wrong moves. I didn’t even care until one day I thought of escaping from the nightmare I had involved myself into. Honestly, I’m quite unfamiliar of who I see in the mirror whenever I’ll look at it. I don’t know if I still can be proud of myself. I can’t move on. I’m stuck. I don’t know where else to go. Maybe, there’s no really way to compromise. It’s either sides might get hurt. I always give my hasty decisions. Well, it could be the reason. Or I’m so excited to do things I’m not supposed to do. You ask yourself, have you ever used the word “what if?” If you haven’t then I would say you’re lucky. You live in a life with no regrets. You don’t even thought of thinking “it might have been” or such phrase like “I should have?” hands down if you haven’t. Regrets can cause or attract negative vibes, that’s why we should be a little aware of what we say and what we do. We don’t want seeing ourselves full of “what if” or “it could have” in our wordings. Regret is always inevitable in the end. There’s no turning back but there’s always a step forward.

Missed and Regret

2010-08-01T20:11:00.000-07:00

My brain looked back to my old memories of me being in the province where I grew. I remembered myself walking alone in a mall and then wait for myself to get tired and go back to our home. Home, yes, it’s another place that I’m missing. I miss when I just do random stuff and more often do nothing. My regular days are so mundane for me to goof off and frequently be with my motorist friends. Friends who don’t have directions and totally a bummer or I would say loafer people. They are these people who have family issues like me who don’t want to stay at home, because we thought we find appreciation to each other’s company. Well, that’s what we’d thought. You know what I miss most? There’s a little bit of regret whenever I think of it and I wish I shouldn’t have gone frivolously of it. I miss school. I want to go back and make it right this time. I didn’t study and yes, I’m one of those students who didn’t think that the money we extravagantly spent come from our parent’s pocket, which they really worked hard for. Waahh… Fuck you guys! Don’t laugh okay! Yeah, I regret of those times and how I’d wish I never done that. Well, I hope the things that I’m doing now could compromise the things I’ve wronged in the past.

Love God

2010-07-28T22:32:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of things I’m forgetting recently. Sometimes, if something or someone doesn’t tell you what to do there’s a possibility that you’ll find yourself fumbling in dark. We get tired but it doesn’t mean that we have to give up everything. We will trip along the way and thinking you cannot stand up again and just want to lay down there and not move. Well, it happens to me a lot. If someone doesn’t inform me then next thing you’ll find me is in the path that you’ll know where the road ends. Love, yes. It could be the reason. But when we use this word it is such so big that sometimes people misinterpret what that word means. You’ll find it funny but it’s true. We’re fond to use love because we crave for it. We want someone to love us back the way we want to be loved. But yes, it’s so magical. You can’t even buy it or find often in places you frequent. Sometimes, love is just waiting or you maybe overlooking of it. It’s just waiting for you to be picked it up. I know that I wondered for so many places, jobs, and people. Well, it’s one thing I’m proud of I got quite experiences to use in my future endeavors. I know the game isn’t over. Let’s just together count our blessings and we’ll be amazed how patiently God waiting for us to remember Him. It’s not about something that’s missing, it’s all about You.

Off The Wicked Side

2010-07-26T00:04:00.001-07:00

It rained. It dashed through houses, through the streets, and through my eyes. I slept to one of our friends’ condo and I love how the mist of the rain poured slowly through my face. I was lying next to the big window. The window was half-opened, so I felt the breezy air tapped my face every second. I looked through the window and I saw how beautiful the world is. The high-buildings are eye-catching and it struck me most when I saw the fog covering the body of each building. We were all lying on the big two sofas that were moved next to each other. We ordered pizza and pasta for our meal while watching a movie on a big screen and it was on a high-volume, so, we felt that we were in a movie house. I was about to ruin my life again but I’m lucky and at the same time proud of myself for keeping myself off the wicked side.

Done

2010-07-23T01:01:00.000-07:00

I knocked at the door of my bestfriend’s room. He opened. I worn my usual façade, my usual smile. I went inside before I opened my mouth and said “Are you coming with us?” He asked “Where?” I was wearing my shade to cover up my gloomy eyes. “Jc invited us for his late birthday celebration.” He answered instinctively. “No best I’m sick.” I begged “Please.” He answered back with his relentless answer “No.” I laid on the bed. I turned my body not facing him. And then I cried. I’m really good hiding my emotions. He didn’t even notice I’m burdening something bigger than my family problems. He didn’t notice my eyes dashed tears that my shades got blurry. Honestly, I don’t know where else to go. What will be my next step? My heart is tired as well as my body. I can’t get sleep. I can’t even rest. I’m afraid when I open my eyes, the feeling of emptiness will devour me again. I’m afraid when I open my eyes I will crave for love again.

Like Them, Love them

2010-07-20T22:24:00.000-07:00

It’s like I had to hold my mother’s hand to walk. Now, I’m walking on my own feet, I’m earning my own money, and making my own name and career. You have no any idea how I admire people who have built their own names and really have a good standing in a particular company. I wanted to be like them, to have my name and gain respect from others. I was looking at a picture of my old friend in facebook and got really amazed when I’d seen a picture of his new house. I mean, how can I do that? It must have been really hard for him to earn since his bread and butter is singing. See, I’m now 23 years old for shouting out loud! And I want to establish my own life. Yet, there are some people who still discourage me. I don’t want them to get on me, but sometimes why they just don’t mind their own freakin’ lives! Hahaha.. No, I’m not mad. I’m just trying to vent it out. Well, maybe I’ll just try to keep working on my rooms of improvement. Good thing I have some people around me who still help me. I Love them.

Draw and Read

2010-07-19T05:30:00.000-07:00

I was a loser. In first year high-school I tried to kiss someone else’s ass. I was at the back of the class room, what I was doing? I preferred to be on that side. Alone, and doing nonsense things. During class, I will fill my notebook with a lot of drawings, drawings of different cartoon characters fighting. I never listened and I didn’t have any intention to listen. There was this time when a classmate sat at my side. We talked for a moment and I was overwhelmed that for the first time, there’s someone who approached me. The feeling took over and I was carried away and asked “I want you to be my friend.” He shrugged and stood up and went away. Yes, I was a loser. I craved for a friend. Why? My mom is stern. She chooses who I should be friend with. She usually rants me the negative things about the person I would drag into the house, but she’s always right. I shouldn’t be friends with those people. They used me in some ways; they were not good for me. They were somewhat bad influence. At least, now I got rid of those people. Now, I hope my mom is around so she could assess the people I’m with right now and hopefully choose the right people for me. But I think it’s time for me to use that kind of ability to read people. I don’t want to find myself regretting and saying to myself “I shouldn’t have wasted my time with them.”

This is Me

2010-07-18T22:44:00.000-07:00

Well, I got to tell you something. I love my friends and I care for them so much. But what if stupidity gets more frequent with them? Yah, I’d been a loser and got hurt many times, ran after to someone doesn’t deserve my love. That’s my point I don’t want my friends to feel that way too. I gave advices, they failed to follow. I’m not asking to exactly follow what I’d been saying but learn from my mistakes at least. Well, what the heck! I’m not your father so you can do whatever you want to do. I just can’t accept the fact that I have friends that are denser than me. You got hurt for 2 to 3 times and that’s it! You should be done. Yah, I know love can be addictive. Then be it!

Things you should know about me:

 I’m a candid person and really straight forward. Sometimes, people misinterpret what I say.
 I ditch people easily. If I get turned off. It’s like a company or a job that I can simply abandon. Well, there’s a lot. Why push?
 Don’t ask me if you know the answer. Yah, I know you want to know me more. You want to find my deepest, darkest secret right? What for? To ruin my life? All ready been there. Done that! Watch out, Maybe you don’t want to see if I take my shirt and pants off in front of you! I’ll sue if you touch it. Lol.
 Like my sign. Cancer. That’s how sensitive I’m. I don’t wear poker face, but if I have to. I’ll still be your friend but only in your own belief.
 If you’ll be real. I will love you. I will treasure you. I will take care of you.
 If you’re nice, I’ll be nicer.
 If you’re bad, you can never stop my horn.
 I will nod, but wait till my turn comes.
 I will respect you, if only you respect my love ones.
 If you loathe what I loathe, then you’re my friend.
 I will love you, if you’re the right one.

Pain, Loneliness, and Me

2010-07-18T00:09:00.000-07:00

There are times that you’ll feel alone and empty. You’ll find yourself searching for someone or something to lean on. I was told that in times of this I have to count my blessings. I counted for a moment, and while counting I realized that it’s useless especially if you know that those things really don’t matter that much.
Yesterday, loneliness visited me again. I said “hi.” The sun was penetrating the horizon and twilight was inevitable. It was drizzling and the rain was about to fall heavily. I tried to close my eyes when I heard a voice saying “Don’t sleep!” ranting. “You have to feel me!” It was pain. I averted my attention and closed the window, so coldness who is bestfriend of loneliness couldn’t pass through. That’s when desirous and longing knocked at the door. I repressed, thinking they were just dropping by. And suddenly companionship tried to placate me, trying to ease pain and loneliness. But he was no match with those two, so eventually,There was pain, loneliness,and me who were left in the room.

CHALLENGE

2010-07-12T23:22:00.000-07:00

I told my friend yesterday who’s also a blogger “Stop being pessimist in your entries.” He answered back quickly “How about your posts?” And at that moment I realized. Yes, I wrote cynical entries to my blog and those are the hideous things going on in my life right now. I thought there’s nothing more appalling test that we have to subdue, but when I woke up this morning I received a message from my sister “Our family is facing a big trouble. Their names are in the news right now. Mom and (my other sister) who are teachers have been accused of torturing their students. When I got the message I can’t move my body. There are too many dramas going on with my life right now. I know this is not the right time to raise my white flag. I know that God will never give me these challenges that I won’t be able to conquer.

Longing

2010-07-10T23:52:00.000-07:00

I’ve been like this, longing for your love, your tender kiss on my forehead and your warm hug that placate my whole being. I thought your care wouldn’t last. I’ve been missing you. How you used to grab my hand and keeping me trail behind you with those people that might cause me harm. How you used to send me messages saying “Please, be home.” “I’ve been looking for you.” How you upbraided me whenever I’ll be home late. Those ruthless words that I know you never meant. I think it’s better off this way. You’re too far away from me now. I can’t sense your love anymore. I don’t know if the things going on to our family finally sunk in to you. Sometimes all I want is to shout this out like no one is around. Sometimes the pain takes over and I cannot ease it anymore. It obliviously devours every little love that I have left. Sometimes, I realized reverie of being with you is enough, because when I wake up all I can think of is my love to you that never last.

Criticism

2010-07-08T23:04:00.000-07:00

It was my lunch break, when one of my friends told me “I don’t know you at all. I don’t know the real martin.” We both know that he can’t grasp my horizon overnight. He followed another statement “Some criticize you for what they seeing outside”. I was about to finish the food that’s in my mouth and asked “Like what? How others perceive me?” I know what he will say. “You are a happy go lucky person, but I want to prove them wrong.”The thought ticks me off. “That’s bullshit! Why will I think of what others might think of me? They didn’t even provide me food.” We’re done with our food and headed back to work. Walking on the pavements we continued mulling over the discussion. He was a little upset saying “I just hate them for being prejudice about you while they don’t know the real you.” I quickly answered. “There are a lot of things I should think of rather than giving attention with those people who are criticizing me.” I took a breath and explained again. “And they should ponder of their own problems first before they go to mine.” Then the bleak conversation vanished when we went inside the elevator.
I wasn’t affected with what others may think. What matters to me now is what my love ones will think of me. As I said to him I just want to please my family and that’s all I ever wanted.

Crushed

2010-07-05T19:31:00.000-07:00

Things got out of control. I keep on mind that I will never cry in front of my friends but I just did. It was supposed to be a nice celebration of my birthday, since I had shift last Friday I decided to celebrate it Monday. I called my mom asking her to come over to my sister’s house. She told me “No! I don’t want there”. Even my other sister wasn’t able to come because my mom forbade them. Alright then, since we traveled an hour and a half I’ll just get done with this once and for all. My sister brought up a news that’s really an eye-opener. It was followed by another news about her relationship with her husband. I don’t know what to say. We went out of the room and pretended casual. I love my sister and I don’t want her to feel that way. The food was cooked and after we ate I sat down for a while. I called my mom again to say how thankful I’m with the food she provided us for my celebration. She scolded me after finding out that I don’t attend the worship that often. Then the sadness sunk in when I realized my mom and my sister were not coming. I told my sister we’re taking off, and she was shocked as well as my brother. We just spent less than an hour there and then the next thing they know is that we were leaving. When we got in the car I was crushed and my tears incessantly fell. My sister called “Why are you leaving so early?” I pretended casual. “I have work sis, I’ll make it up next time”. My voice didn’t cooperate and seemed to shake everytime I utter a word. “Are you okay? Are you feeling something bad?” I answered quickly and this time I covered up the pain well “Of course! Ano ka ba! I’m good!” After we ended the conversation I think she was half-hearted of believing my pretensions. And the sobbing continues.
I’m tough, that’s how others perceive me. They don’t know that behind this cheery façade, there’s my heart rotten. My family is my weakness and the only thing that matters. For now I know they wouldn’t appreciate me, but I will show them in time. I will achieve their expectations and they will be proud of me in due time.

thank You

2010-06-30T23:14:00.001-07:00

I’m finally 23 tomorrow. Time really passed by very quickly. I’m not asking for anything splendid birthday. All I want is to be with my family and appreciate me of where I’m and what I’m right now. I’ve been blessed with such uncountable blessings and for all of these, I thank God. This is not time for myself it is time for you. You helped me to survive each challenges, through worse and bad times you were there, I know. Though I cannot see you visibly, I know you’re there. Please don’t give up on me. I love you and I’m not forgetting about you. If in times you see me doing such unpleasant things to your eyes, please forgive me. I’m so fragile but please help me as well to be strong and conquer the tribulations you are testing me. Thank you for another beautiful day you have shown me. Thank you for taking care of me as well as my friends and family. If they cannot understand me at times please let them still love me. I love you God and I will love you everyday and thanking you for everyday.

Life Changes

2010-06-29T21:27:00.000-07:00

I got this mixed-up emotion yesterday. I was really happy because at last we got the chance having a massage at wensha spa and I’m also excited for my birthday. My ideal birthday is to be with the people whom I love most and so I texted my mom. She said she will not come if I’ll be celebrating my birthday in pajo which is the place I decided to celebrate my birthday. That kind of ticks me off because that’s my birthday and I should be deciding of where to celebrate my birthday. Another thing is that one of my best friends has a big problem with his relationship. I felt what he is going through right now because if there’s one person who knew what pain really is, that’s me. I’d been through a lot of pains which made me to become tough. Well, that’s life really is, it’s like the climate that incessantly changes. Life if you will notice it changes but as it passed, it will bring a metamorphosis in your being.

Misunderstanding

2010-06-21T17:52:00.000-07:00

Misunderstanding is a word that can cause a lot of downbeat outcomes. It can be over the phone, the way how you say the word, or how you interpret a particular word. Things might get worse, and you will regret the outcome misunderstanding might cause you. You could lose a friend or someone that is significant to you because of how both of you interprets the thought or how you look on some things. You might say words unintentionally that might hurt someone’s feelings and before you realize it the person decides to back off. Before things get worse you have to bear in mind that before you utter a word and you know that word can harm a person’s feeling, think twice first and see what harm can be done.

Hold Of Yourself And Think Of The Future

2010-06-07T17:57:00.000-07:00

There are no excuses. I have no any reasons. Please don’t give a damn on me. Don’t even try to take pity on me. A promise is not suppose to be broken. I made one and I just broke it.

Gambling is one of the reasons why savings of other people went into waste. This game is also striking to someone who wants adventure and excitement. Once you felt how you will get an adrenaline rush to this kind of game you will absolutely get hook with it. I once loathed gambling and I thought I had the courage to stop myself from playing, I knew I’m one of those people who hold their money so tight, But how come I could easily let go of it. I told myself that since my brother and sisters weren’t able to make their promises to happen I’m the one who will haul us up from our social status. Gambling is like an infectious disease that spreads to others. It was introduced to me with a friend when we were still at our previous place. I gambled and won once but after that winning looks like avoiding me.

Gambling can ruin someone else’s life. There are some who sold their cars and houses just to take their money back but casinos are too smart to stop that from happening. All you have to do is never make a promise when you know eventually you’ll break it, but take control of yourself and look what futures ahead of you.

There's Always A Price To Pay

2010-05-30T22:29:00.000-07:00

I was craving to see my friends again after my shift last Saturday. I don’t know how to spend my 3-day off. We picked up Trinoma for our rendezvous to watch the movie “A nightmare on Elm Street”. The movie made us feel like we’re riding on a roller coaster. Supposedly it should be the Prince of Persia but we thought that movie is a little dull so we chose the suspense one. But after watching it we got more stressed out and a little agitated. To suppress the negative feeling we headed to Red Ribbon and ate some sugary cakes. We took a power nap at our friend’s apartment so we could prepare ourselves for a long night of drinking. We drove along Quezon Avenue to find a bar where we could have ourselves drunk. But unluckily it was Sunday night and there wasn’t any bars open so we headed to Kwago’s grill in malate. After the night we gambled at the casino world and sadly to say we all lose except to my best friend. The day didn’t end up nicely but the happiness and the memories we spent with each other are priceless.

Hear Me Out Dad

2010-05-29T00:27:00.000-07:00

During my grade school years was the last time when I felt I have a whole family. I don’t know how to vent this out because this article is basically the way I’ll let you in my private life. But since nothing will change even if I’ll voice everything out here let me proceed with the anguish I’ve been burdening. When I was a kid I felt love and peace. I thought my family was normal like the others but as I grew up everything had changed. My mom and my dad fought incessantly, my brother and sisters decided to have their own family and got married, and I wondered to the sinister side. I kept the feelings inside me. I’m the youngest but I was the only one who was sent to the public school. I was deprived in money. Well, I fully understand that my mom had to be tight on that. I tried to finish my course even if it wasn’t the course I’ve chosen for myself. After my graduation right there and then I moved here to Makati to find a job and save money for myself. Now, my dad keeps on asking me to help him with the paying of his debts. He didn’t even consider the fact that when I was there together with my friends he keeps on talking how he had sex with his mistress. (How cool huh?) When I got his message this morning he asked again for my help to pay for the motorcycle he has bought. And he actually told me to pray and not forget to attend worships. I hope he’s hearing himself. Now, I’m actually disheartened because there are still some problems running in my head. I don’t know if I will still get back the peaceful and complete feeling that I’d felt when I was a kid. But I hope I will, soon.

Are you mean? Step back!

2010-05-21T21:49:00.001-07:00

Why there are mean people? I loathe them. Especially those people who are smarter than you are or so I thought. And they actually exploit their knowledge in a wrong way. You’ll thought they are smarter but if you will peer closely you will see that they are not. I got mad when I cracked a joke to my erstwhile trainer and she actually replied in a rude manner. I never expected that I will get an impertinent reply like that but let her go to hell. I don’t give a damn. By the way as I mentioned I hate mean people though I also commit the same attitude at times but not every time. Some people really get used to it that they can’t even notice anymore that they are being mean and the boorish attitude come out naturally. Will they realize that they are mean or should someone tell them that they are being discourteous?

Inferiority Vs Confidence

2010-05-21T00:08:00.001-07:00

I’m the type of person who usually thinks what other might say about him. But now I don’t care anymore say what you want, free your mind, spread your thoughts, and judge me. Before, I hate to be judged. I hate being put on the spot, I don’t want any attentions. Now, I’m out of my box and ready to face any circumstances that may occur. Though I can’t say that I’m that totally exuberant type of person still I know I’m getting there. At the present time it’s rare for us to get a high self-confidence but what options do we have? If you’ll let yourself be eaten up of your inferiority feelings you we’ll be devoured relentlessly of those hungry and greedy sharks out there. Boosting yourself confidence is a nice step to increase your moral and be the person everyone is looking up to. I used to stutter whenever I’m going to speak in public or even share my thoughts to clustered people. I can’t even pronounce the words I was supposed to say. But as time passed by I enhanced my communication. Now, I’m able to look straight on the eye of the person I’m talking to. The advantage of being exposed to people is that you’ll enhance your ability to talk in public and the same time you’ll learn how to communicate sensibly.

Blessings

2010-05-19T21:02:00.000-07:00

I’m so blessed with loving people, a job that someone might more in need of it, friends who stay with me despite my varying moods, a voice that gets paid, and most especially a God that never leave in spite of my conspicuous sins. Yes, I know I’m blessed.
I thought I carried a huge burden behind my back. I thought I’m the only person who was dragged in darkness and will never come back. I was wrong. Everyone carries sorrows and pains. Everyone cries at night when they can’t grasp challenges that come their way. I’m more liking life now that everything has fall into their right places. Though I hope if there are troubles come my way it wouldn’t change me and I would be able to overcome any terrible circumstances.

G-clef

2010-05-07T03:42:00.000-07:00

I’m pondering of getting a tattoo this year. I really envy people who have it. So, now I really have to think carefully before I make a decision. This will mark permanently and last forever. I have to consider the perfect design, the time I’ll get it, and the one who will make it. I’ve already chosen my design and I wanted to place it on my arms. There’s no really profound reason why I’m having myself inked. Trend, and the design I’m getting are the only reasons behind my naive idea. A tribal g clef is the design I’ve chosen because g clef is a musical symbol used to indicate the pitch of written notes and since music is my greatest passion I selected this design. I know my love for music is marked everlastingly to who I am.

Press N-ter For President

2010-05-06T04:00:00.000-07:00

It’s time for us to talk not only about love, relationships, heartaches, or some other cheesy stuff that don’t give us awareness of what’s happening in our surroundings. I’m really not fond of current events because I know bad news is dominantly what you’ll obtain from it. But it wouldn’t harm me if I’ll be aware somehow of what’s going on in my environment. I like my colleagues now because they don’t talk mostly about their co-trainee’s lives; they are talking some interesting topics like polygamy, work, and the president that we’ll support, mostly grown up matters I can say.
I’m really got into confusion of choosing the president though I know that I’ll not be voting this Monday. Let’s discuss those who are in hot picks of the madlang people. I’ll base my judgment from what I heard and observed. If you’ll be the one choosing, who will be your president? The one who has done a lot in the Philippines but had a bad record? The one who chooses to use her mom? Or the one who has proven nothing to the Filipino people?
Since, we only have these options to choose from I’d rather pick the one who has proven nothing. If N** N** doesn’t have any idea how this works then I believe he also doesn’t have the idea about corrupting money from the people? I don’t want to give my judgment yet. But since this man has a blank paper let him put something on it. It’s his call whether he put dirt or keeps the paper clean.

Don't Forget To Buy Breeding

2010-05-04T06:34:00.000-07:00

I’m sorry. I promised to you that I’ll write everyday but here I am breaking that promise. Yesterday, I was trying to write something but because I was beaten up and really got tired, my mind wasn’t able to function. Well, let me go ahead and tell you what happened to me these past few days. All throughout Saturday was spent in coffee bean (my 3rd home). Sunday, I was supposed to attend the worship but since I was still up till Sunday morning, mulling over about some unimportant things. So, I got late.

Let me share to you my very recent conversation to some people who forgot to buy breeding.

Barista: May I have your order sir?
Me: Iced double shot cappuccino.
The 2nd barista at her side can’t understand English or can’t understand language at all said:
The moron: Ano daw?. -Saying the words like uneducated person. Then smile at her side trying to hide her evil smile from me.
I didn’t mind the girl. I just put in mind that I used to be a barista so I should understand her maybe she’s tired or something.

When paying the bill.
Me: I forgot my loyalty card in my bag. Wait I’ll just get it.
Then I heard their irritating chuckles. I didn’t mind them and continued with the transaction.
Now I have proven that this saying is true “Ang unggoy, ibalot mo man sa ginto, ay unggoy parin”.
Breeding is something you grow up with. No amount of money can buy it. Ever.

I'm Begging You Martin. Stop Being So Perky!!!

2010-05-01T12:16:00.000-07:00

Here I am again. Can’t sleep, mulling over with unimportant things. It’s already Sunday and I don’t know if I spent my rest days wisely. Let’s see. Saturday, after my bulacan trip I headed to coffee bean and spent my whole day there. I read some blog entries and I put entries in my blog as well. Gee, I feel like I’ll faint now. I haven’t got a complete rest. But later I’m so excited already to do my thing so I don’t think rest will be available.

Earthquake Keeps You Awake

2010-05-01T05:16:00.000-07:00

I read Mo Twister’s blog. And one of the entries I’ve read is unpleasant news to know and I hope it wouldn’t happen. The last time I remember Philippines had encountered an earthquake was when I was a child. I can’t remember what my age was but what retained in my memory is that I had an asthma attack when a minor earth quake occurred.
“Is manila prepared for a major earthquake?”- This is precisely the question posted on mo’s blog that left me apprehended. I’m frightened that something bad might happen not only to me but also to my love ones. I’m afraid that I might be judged by God while I know that I’m not completely prepared. I don’t want to leave world while I enjoy every second I spend living. I still have a lot of things to accomplish, learn, and achieve.
Can you see how the world gets worse? The predictions in the bible are all happening and now I fret about it. This is exactly the reason why I don’t want to watch news on televisions and read newspapers because I know it will only worry me.
I’m not afraid of death. What I’m scared of is the punishment God will give me. I know that I’m a sinner who commits mistakes and misdoings. Hence, my wish is to lengthen the time I’ll spend to this world to alleviate my sins.

Time To Read Some Lines In The Bible

2010-05-01T04:55:00.000-07:00

"This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away." 2 Timothy 3:1-5

Wickedness abounds, even in the largest 'professedly' Christian churches.

Friday

2010-04-30T23:17:00.001-07:00

Do you know how to spend your day off wisely? How will you spend it? What are the things you will consider to pamper yourself? Or what are the things that could make your rest days progressive.
Friday, this is the day when employees feel sluggish going to work. They feel like ending the shift already and keep on looking at their watches. At the end of their shifts they are craving to do things that will make them happy. There are just few things that can make me happy such as browsing the internet, blogging, hanging out in coffee shops, viewing my fb account, and listen to music. Those are the small things that could make my day. Friday, I spent it in bulacan to celebrate my brother-in-law’s birthday. We had nothing much to do but of course to karaoke and eat. That’s for Friday.

"If Only"

2010-04-29T01:50:00.001-07:00

What if you’ll get the chance to turn back the time? Will you still change something in the past? If there is, what will it be? Will you be changing something differently? I’ve been thinking of these questions when my trainer asked me what my favorite romantic movie is. And what I had picked out from my list is the movie “If Only”.
The first time I saw the movie I didn’t really pay attention because I haven’t experienced love back then. But when I watched it again and totally got involved with love my heart felt sadness.
I don’t want to turn back the time anymore, though I feel some regrets but not about love. I want how love made me tough. I don’t think I can conquer any issues about hurting if I had not experienced the pain. Love has taught me a lot and I wouldn’t consider turning back the time just to not experience the pain.

A Time For A Friend

2010-04-28T03:49:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed how time flies by rapidly? From drinking milk on our mom’s breast, to playing games, having crushes, being upbraided by our professors, cutting classes, drinking booze, getting in love, having a job, and etc. Those people who got involved in your life is partly who you became now. And I’m thankful somehow that I’m still here subduing the challenges that I’ve been encountering. But I know for a fact that I cannot conquer those hard times without the help of my family, friends, (my inspiration) and of course God. But at this moment I would like to offer this to my bestfriend:

I don’t know how to start this letter best but I know that you know how my brain waves work. This is cheesy but just so you know, I’m genuinely honest with this short poem.
Don’t feel alone because a friend is here.
Don’t lay down there because a friend is near.
Don’t cry because a friend is willing to wipe those tears.

"If you don't fit, get out"

2010-04-27T03:33:00.000-07:00

I discovered awhile ago when I gave full attention to what I loathed about the person who is actually criticizing me that the problem is not actually on him but me. You cannot avoid them for criticizing you for who you are. The wrong part is when they can’t accept you of being yourself. Ergo, my point is find ways on how you will turn the criticism into a positive way of accepting. I always keep this in mind whenever I wander to wrong interpretations of life: “If you don’t fit, get out”. It’s really simple but when you mull over this statement, you’ll realize how important it could be. Once, someone despised you for being you maybe that’s the signal to ditch that person out of your life. I was tagged for many times with my bizarre actions because I really act so weird, but that’s how different I am from the others. If they can’t accept it, I’ll let it be. But they could never change me for who I am. This is me: perky, peculiar, childish, and a great person (if someone shows that he/she deserves my greatness).

Jealousy Is for kids only

2010-04-26T02:25:00.000-07:00

I got jealous. I know it’s a bad feeling that I have to prevent but I need to confess this out. I also hate this but I think normal people feel this way. I know that jealousy is a negative feeling that should be suppressed. I thought jealousy is only happening in a lover’s relationship but it shows that it can also happen in different associations. It happened to me twice this day but since I have no any rights to be jealous I tried to suppress the feeling. The event of being jealous will only happen if I’m lacking of self-confidence which I think I am. I need to come up with something that could help me back my vigorous feeling. Maybe some rest will do.

Interview with one of my favorites

2010-04-24T21:25:00.000-07:00

It’s definitely more pop edgy feel a lot of people think Justine Timberlake produced it but he didn’t. I mean, it got that same feel love struck is definitely a song that I don’t know all the guys really vibe on and really have a connection with I don’t know there’s something about it that all draws into it. It’s something that we definitely I don’t know it’s a song that we really connected on that we really love so we’re excited to push it as our single.
When’s the last time you were love struck?
Honestly the last time I was love struck was last night. It was a girl I met. Actually it was random. We went to this club. It was one of those things it’s not a forceful thing it’s just like you meet someone and then you really have a connection like we were just like talking forever. It’s like something that we were just like going on and on and on. This so weird this like I be that open you know with somebody. It was pretty cool moment I don’t know its kinda weird that it was so soon you’re asking me these questions.
What does a girl need to do to get your attention?
Honestly a girt to get my attention is just to be genuine and just be herself. I’m not looking for anything, I just like down to earth I like normal people, I like girls with great sense of humor, I like girl who you can just talk to and just be open with honestly that’s what I’m attracted to.
What do you do when you’re love struck?
I laugh, I joke, I try to make it humor-side.
Have you ever written a love song?
Actually writing has been something Ive honestly started to do and for the first album they didn’t really want us to do a lot of that .